just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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