Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Randomize
