and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
