Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
