I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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