I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
