I cannot find my penis.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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