she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
