so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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