you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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