Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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