I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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