I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
