One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
