Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
