Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
