I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
