I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
