I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Randomize
