Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
