I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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