I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
