Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
