You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I can't trust your balls anymore.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
