It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
