my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
