my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
