all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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