Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
