Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
