My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just found puke in my bra..
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I want to fling myself into the sun
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
