WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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