honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
