There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.