o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?