Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
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I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.