im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
