could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I am naked and annoyed.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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