I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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