matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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