K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
someone owes me an orgasm
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
