The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
