How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
