I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
