Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
