There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
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