She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
