I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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