Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
