Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i love accidental penises.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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