ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
