apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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