I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
