put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
