I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
