my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
