We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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