My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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